


Throw me away into nothingness, then I'll be truly happy.

by orphan_account



Category: Original Work
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Gen, Mental Illness, NO rape, No Consent, Not a Story, Rant, Social Anxiety, Stream of Consciousness, When?, Why?, but that's nothing new, conform, confused, csa-mentioned, i don't understand, implied sexual harrasment, molestation-mentioned, ramble, way longer than i expected, what should i feel?, what's appropriate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-21
Updated: 2018-09-21
Packaged: 2019-07-15 05:11:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16056221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account





	Throw me away into nothingness, then I'll be truly happy.

Internal hysteria travels alongside every attempted silence. The urge to wail for courage suffocates me. I was once forever uncaring and indifferent, was once able to push pass feeling of insecurity. To ignore the embrace of its hatred.

A little shift causes it to fester over the top. Eating away at all that is me. So numb that even empathy won't find me. Why am I so different yet so invisible. Can't you hear my cries? "I can't relate to half of what people say/feel" is though but never spoken. I don't understand your dramas, or your he said she saids. Why is it so important?

I just want to be normal. Teach me why that matter? Why we just accept everything that is? As if its guided by a secret wisdom that I will never know. I don't want to analyze the hidden messages of society and memorize them just so I can accept the principles of life. I want it to come easy like it does for everyone else. "Obey" why? "Conform" why? "Because everyone does" why? why? why? why? Why must I conform when It's killing me? Sucking my spirit away until I am nothing but a puppet waiting for you to speak for me. Shame is a dreadful thing, let me speak my mind without fearing godly judgement. 

Infinite hope leaks through the seems, and I must wait until it refills. Until then I fall. Is there anyone lost on how to properly respond without seeming heartless, too forward. I want to be honest but feelings won't let me. Speak my mind and receive horrified stares. What? Is it not normal to wonder why his hand shakes so much? or How it felt when they touched you? I want to see if I felt the same. If you felt stopped in your tracks, shaking. Was it only one? If the smaller incident felt worse than the repeated thing because the age of innocence shielded you? Like it did for me. I want to ask you this but the age of politeness has sewn my mouth shut.

An urge to scream claws it's way up my throat. How can I feel as if I belong if all I do is censor myself. Why are people so so intense? I just want to lay down and cuddle with those close to me. To be me without fearing society, you. 

I say this as if I don't care about feelings, the worlds thoughts, the offended. Why must it be so complicated?

I wish to sleep, to wake up in a world that understands. In a world where muteness doesn't overrun me in time of need or un-need.

 


End file.
